Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20131130-1721a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London, and I'm with Tom W__.

I was wondering, how long have you lived here for now? / Ah, ... oh. Now you are asking, ... six months / six / going back a bit / I've lived in my flat for about four years / you know the bathroom / I know what you mean by "bathroom" / I've never been to your place / Oh, yeah, that place? / same one / I know / bathroom very well / there you go / just for the listeners / just / So, picture your own bathroom. / Yeah / now / story / described as / standard / with a pull cord / wife / and / are very tall. / Yeah. / And, about six months ago / how tall are you? Just for listeners / six foot four / and she is ...? / Uh, five eleven / So, everything is high up. / Wow. / where the / 12 foot 3 in total / combined, yeah. / how we usually walk around / people / annoyed / people tweet these things / if I stood on my shoulders, it would be, uh, just under 12, wouldn't it, / on my head / then / how's l__ing you down / length to length / trying to get to the moon. You know, / like / Tom and his wife / head to / what it'd take / well / we had / a few days / making a delicious soup, and, uh, / we've got massive bowls, so she / massive bowl / get / my / in a minute / bowl-off / bowl-off, no problem. / This is what radio's all about / she / turned to me / she said, "Where are the spoons?" / yeah / you couldn't see it / presumably. / Exactly. / above / echoy voice from behind the bowl. / "Where are the spoons, spoons, spoons, ... / lack of kitchen utencils / yeah / whisks and things / I know what you are talking about / spatula / spatula's up there, yeah / ladle / tin / never / Huh / anyway, I pointed / because / massive serving spoons. And she's been freaked out anyway / massive bowls / six hours, and so far, everything she needed / higher up than / usually is / Yeah. / So, she feard / giants / serving / hanging / lack, which is massive serving spoon / she / desert / yeah / we actually are like giants. / better get your mouth / So, we are very tall. The point is, in our bathroom, right, the, uh, the cord / we are back to the bathroom / sorry, I was still in the kitchen / snapped about six months ago / leaving behind the tail of about three inches of light cord. / If you / upset / any / hear today / listener / bathroom cord / We've put up with it for about six months / I / because you are tall, it doesn't matter / reach up / even need / bottom end of the pull cord. / we started to appreciate the guests / you know / going to the toilet in the dark / yeah / making a mess / leave a little pair of steps by the ... underneath the pull cord / or get a new pull cord / that / you'd have to fit that. You'd have to fit that. I wouldn't be able to do that. I wouldn't be ... DIY-saavy enough to fit / and / glowing in the dark toilet / new toilet / it cracked ages ago. Something must have dropped on it, and there was a crack in the toilet seat, right, and whenever you sat on ... / affected by / any of today's issues / whenever you you sat on it, you sat down / stood up, it pinched your bum / Yeah? It came with you? / Yeah, it all came / we put up with it about a year. / Huh / I mean, I was wondering / six months / what have you put up with? Any n_ly thing / hey, do you know what? / look at you, back to / launching a feature / launching a feature / back to / What have you put up with in your house? / I thought you had turned up with nothing / no, not at all / come up / you've come up with a ready-made, / kind of feature / Radio Wales listeners would love / already tell you that I / not even my arm / your arm / both arms / both of arms / list as long as / your wife and your arms put together, arm to arm, tip to tip.

We had a carpet tile / a gap between our living loom and kitchen. / Huh? / we tiled the kitchen / produce this gap / living room / kitchen / we / produce this gap / you mean you tiled it badly? / Produced ... / does do that while / tile / something / a bit / more floor / the wall was hiding it / what / we had some carpet tiles left over from when I made the / cat / adventure playground / using carpet tiles / is your adventure playground area using carpet tiles / is your / just a carpet tile / different / it's a combination of shelves, __, ladders, dangly things / Uh, you are, uh, ... you sound like, uh, kind of / you sound / fairly advancing / DIY skills / indeed / you are, really? / not bad / make / things worse / fine with it / sort of / my excuse is, I can't do anything. / so, it just remain / you go ... you / use the toilet seat downstairs / skid across / you / have to / pick / toilet first. / that's your first step / that's your first step. / That could be misleading / your first step / two toilets / on the floor / almost ... we call it the immediate toilet. / on the floor, don't bother to flush. Just lift your legs up / toilet seat under / that's quite annoying. / Yeah, I'm sure / yeah / sure / month and month and month / like that / could you fix that? / I can't / toilet seat on / I can't / the worst thing is, you / really sort of / to get around / hug the toilet bowl / ridiculous situation / of mine / Yeah, go on. / a few more from top of my head? / Yeah. / Right. Shower cuirtain. / Oh yeah? / The shower cuirtain works / is a rail / well, what / you say / looking go wrong, but, in the spirit of this feature of little n__ things that you don't do anything about despite the fact that / n__ every single day / shower cuirtain / very simply / hooks / on a rail / Huh huh. / and / little hooks / shower curtain, very simply / top that hook / on to the hooks / on the rail. / Yeah / Couldn't be simpler. / standard / the one on the end, the nearest-to-the-shower end, / Oh, yeah. / the shower cuirtain / come off the hook ... / Yeah, / ... leaving / gap / soaked the bathroom floor / __ing the whole thing / For six months I've showered and then mopped / bathroom / after, rather than reach up / reach / above my head, and, / hoop / to the hook / neighbour, ... Rhod, you need / we live is on the basement. It's fine, it's fine / that is how, kind of, lazy, useless ... / Yeah. ... But you / by making a lot / I do mop the floor every time / shower cuirtain / normally / fresh pair of eyes / guest / you know that your / I've been told / what happens? you just / I know that / really annoying, innit? / Yeah, it's terrifying / botched the job. I put these carpet tiles down / surplus / previous job / mention / not stuck them down or anything / just put them down / my kind of carpet / between the existing carpet and the tiles I put down / yeah / glued down / celamic tiles / now the cats dragged them up / hoover / hoover / or something / but / come to a point now / I just / why didn't she do anything? / exactly / in these days, you know / yeah / vote / stick in a carpet tile / I can give you, I've got a list / I'll tell you / another one / front door / our house / the front door is incredibly difficult to open / yes / just / realy / you know / here / first / try with one hand, you pull the handle / that doesn't work, so, then, you / sometimes you / two hands / month / good job / can't be bothered / good job / can't really be bothered

Morning, Rhod and Tom. The third floor front window of our house got so old and rotted the glass actually fell out into the street." / Oh, god / "The landlord came round and did a "temporary" fix of nailing in a few old / precareously around the new replacement / window can't be open / eight years ago / still waiting / another / bad / things I put up with / done nothing about. "Morning, Rhod / "Brilliant feature," says / not being able to open my bedroom window for about ten years. It needs a new lock. Needs a new lock / sounds expensive. / probably, I'd stick it out. I'd stick it out / you've done ten years / how / it must have peaked / where I live / Lloyd / the things we did nothing about / I / there was no toilet seat. There was / Lloyd smashed the bathroom window / no, just by accident. You know what Lloyd __ is like. He's, uh, / said / smashed the window." / what window? / bathroom window / he said / don't worry. I'll fix it / that was ... I don't know, twelve years ago. / Has he made any attempts? / No. ... No, of course not. The ceiling was caving in in that flat / sped up in the hall because the ceiling was caving in / you install / one of those things in airports / subconsciously because the ceiling was caving in / massive cracks all the way along / actually bowing / word is / quite significantly / six inches, coming down / we don't know / never checked it out / you just sped off / why would you? / too dangerous around there / wall / I've put up with __ __ that rattles i__ unless you kick / oven / loser of the week / former loser / time / is it / ten kicks / it / good one / still the same / moved out two years later. I said / mince pice / first / Nissan M__, which, uh / if you ever watch / lie / swap / some tappers, eventually / completely different story. / then / I won't / again / on this show / lie to you / Nissan M__ / 1984 / Nissan M__ / that, when I first got it, for some reason, I can't even remember why, but my friends / all remember this / g__ compartment / left / within / on the dashboard. It wasn't even / compartment. On the dashboard. / foil-wrapped / foil bottom / Christmas / decoration afterwards / well / foil / as __ as you / I / suggest / all recycled them / in those days / bin / frankly / sat on the dashboard / Nissan M__ / for a year / one Christmas to the next / it was still there. And, in the end, my mother / out / did a bit / there was a sort of little bucket / top of the thing / quite / pie holder / mince pie holder / shuffled around / was / at some point, at some point, some clever dick / some clever dick at BMW or Merce__ / one of those luxury ranges, probably / you know / holder / would that be more use / every day / my dad once got a car / hire car / and he drove / had a sat-nav system in it, and he can't tolerate / he drove from E__ to London. / Nobody's got __ __ __, by the way / still / anybody / It's early days / yeah / drove / Now, obviously ... / not obviously / the previous h__ car tennant / whatever / E__ address to the sat-nav / London / well / clear traffic / put up with / about every 30 seconds the sat-nav going "turn around" / the whole way / sat-nav / that's a good one.

"Hi, Rhod, I've lived in my house for four years / door handles on the wrong way / turn the lights / certain order / I knew the system / recently / had my kitchen re-done / handyman fixed all the switches / while I was out / annoyed him. / a month later / still / struggled / re-train myself to the new, apparently "correct" system. / my / supervisor handyman / who / quite right. "Hi, Rhod and Tom / my toaster has been broken for two years. I have to hold the handles down myself / this is what / looking for / feature / lid of a biscuit tin / wedge it down, I suspect / to wedge it down / absolutely right / you know / phone charger / got a phone charger / Apple phone charger / might as well say / available / plug in the plugin bit / another bit / USB bit to link it to the phone / loose / up to / if you moved / different / bigger shoes or something / I lost the charger in the end. ... So, the shoe is now redundant. / Hi, Rhod and Tom / toast / hold the handle down myself / always / highly annoying / never thought to do anything about it / would / lovely / never / anyway / best off keeping __ __ / I never / does it perfectly well. It's always / bit / very difficult with / toaster / whole show on them / a few weeks ago, on the sound more / toasting ability. ... "Hello," from S__ N__  / Tom / putting up with broken things. I used to have a telephone. ... I used to have a phone that / loudspeaker / made / nearly two years. ... "Morning, Rhod and Lloyd. I'm glad you are back, Lloyd / hang on a minute / came / last week / All right. Forget that / refers to Human B__, so, we'll leave / ran out of battery two years ago. It's still on 4:40 / lots of these / in / text and emails / got / new cordless phones / Huh. / And, uh ... / I can see what happens. When you pick it up from the base / charging base, right / pick it up / answers the phone. Pretty simple / like that / press "Answer" / yeah / and that puts / loud / everybody on loudspeaker / you lift it up / tolerated this booming voice / called

I mentioned earlier / mince pie / in my Nissan M__ / on the dashboard / for almost exactly a year / exposed / was exposed / was / normal foil base / little sort of "well" / call / the dashboard / one Christmas to the next / until my mother threw it out / used to it being around by that point / pretty good / pretty good / I wouldn't have eaten it, but / preserved / or anything / it didn't look its best. Some of the ... some of the frills on the pastry / a bit cr__ed / some of / you know / shuffled off / have / from your mince pie, Rhod / this is from / I like this one / this is a good one / I once had an empty MacDonald's / in the drinks holder." ... Other cokes available. Other colas are available / all of it / other bits of car are available. / empty / holder in my car for several months. The bottom of the cup eventually disintegrated, leaving the cup holder to fill up with melted icecubes. I couldn't / figure out / water / melted icecubes, also known __ __ H2O / some melted icecubes ... pass me __ of __ __ melted icecubes. / exactly / melted icecubes / I couldn't quite figure out how to get rid of the three inches of water / that now filled the cup holder of my car. So, I drove around for several months trying not to accerelate / too hard / so the wave of water / fill up / central console of my car." That's a good one / sloshing about / sloshing about in the cup holder / full of water / ice / H2O / "In the end / British / evapolated the water. Result. / that is / result / steam, you mean? / call / result / steve / did you miss it? Did you miss that / three inches / I would have / probably more careful driver / more / reckless / again / fill it up again / that's beauty / one / just top it up again / do / put / in the freezer / ice cube / melt / put it in it. Put it in a paper cup, wait / tops / with water / when we had a new toilet __ in / quite / top bit was a different color white to the rest of the toilet / the cictern / presume they mean / cictern / could mean the sys__ / entirety ... the top of the toilet / OK. / It's hard to say. / Yeah. / It's like / Irish people / top of the morning / I never / sure / how much / talking / head of a pint of Guiness / head of a pint of Guiness / very easy / one inch, right? / that's black and white. / different color / white / be different / I suppose you / all those things these days / color chart / drive me mad / another feature there / whole show / who'd have / my neice is called / hang / finished / I apologize / she says / different color white / the rest of the toilet / the well-known shop / bought / must have been dyed on a different day to the rest of the toilet / text / totally happens / all the tiles / too sure / gonna do. And he said / need to buy / because the next batch / in will be a slightly different color / fascinating / BBC Radio Wales, ladies and gentlemen / this is a big dibate / or / any sort of celamic or porcelain / you / put up with that / she / called mushroom / name / everyone called her mushroom / why did they call her "mushroom"? / because / shape of her head? / was / my brother was decorating / bedroom / new arrival / they had a color chart / about / from / everything / link / all roads leads to / color chart / new baby called Elizabeth / to mushroom / the white scale, you know / so she / become mushroom because / skin /

"My mom put up with a twelve-foot snooka table in her room." / that isn't the sort of negly thing that I had in mind / I think it is. I think it is. I think it is, "My mom / put / twelve / get to bed / think / kind / so annoying but you / about it. / Twelve-foot snooka / isn't / I don't know ... isn't it? / is full size / it's pretty massive, it's pretty massive / home / six-foot tops / it would / yeah / normal / snooka balls / my nephew / strange end to the story / because my nephew kept burying / burying them in the garden / your nephew, a.k.a. the dog. ... Uh, __ in Liverpool.

Hi, Rhod and Tom / putting up with / clothe horse / all / that sentence / things / put up with them / don't quite work / I mean, we have / put it up / supposed to be a flatbed design / and, one of the legs / gaffa-taped it together, but / really / job / it needed a splint / yeah / just / gaffa tape / cloths / imagine / reappear, putting / putting the whole thing / slant. So / bunched up / split / perfectly legitimate entry into this feature. ... "Hi, Rhod and Tom, I've been putting up with / cloth horse / leg missing for the last year / It means / strategically hang up / we've all had the clothe horse where clothes have to be strategically / more stable than / it falls over ... no pun intended / it falls over every time / I know / replace it / Emily / that's half the battle / I think, secretly / enjoy the challenge

Coming soom. A comedy legend returns on BBC Radio Wales. / Hello / here / away. / now I'm back / I'm going to record / Radio Wales in Cardiff / If you'd like to be there / all / 101 / and leave your name / number, we'll be in touch / no / So, you'd better call / 03 / 101051 / or I / be on my own. ... Cherrio. / Come and watch / on the 11th of December / for your free ticket, call 0300 101 551 / standard geographic charges and landlines and mobiles will apply.

now / papers again / last Saturday / everywhere. This is nice / 3000 pounds savings / got the money back after police had a __ __ / for the one hundred one-year-old man in C__, south London / could be woman. I don't know. Um ... / nice / makes one / wish / do something nice / amongst who / another feature / nice today / Not bad a feature, that, is it? / let's / tell us about it next week / tube earlier. / Did you? / confused about / count / back-date nice / retrospectively / nice thing in the past / has to be this week / whole point / initiate nice things happening in the world / go / part / feature / something / if you can't back-date / of course you can. I mean, / this is / the whole appeal / something nice this week / children-in-need or something / this is a plea / you don't get people like / going like / something nice last week / you / go / last week / since the ice / since the water / six years / bath in beans / I've just put up with it / put up with it

"School Leavers To Be Trained As Spies" says / Daily M__ / teenagers had to be / apprentices as young as 18 / chance to join / MI5 and MI6 / trainees / two-year program / starting / school / two / training to be a spy / here's an interesting dilenmma / if you / when you are school / if you / if / on exam time / yeah, surely ... cheat, right? / Well, / pass or fail / if come exam time / you, climb / school building / on a wire / keep you going / yeah. ... into the exam paper room, / Yeah. / reach down, and then / using the camera / yeah / camera / on you belt-buckle, you lean / hoover attachment / and you photograph the exam papers / winch yourseslf up / skylight / exam / fail them? / the thing is, I mean, you'd have to / difficult dillenma / what would you do / do you pass or fail / spy exam / I would have thought / pass them / the idea / I reckon, no one / answer / impossible. The answer was / what the name of Graham's dog / yeah / need / absolutely no one / if you / yourself into / headmaster's room / whatever you are talking about / that would / exodus of / student / down / stability winch / engineering department / what do you do

"Hi," says L__ C__ / I realize this is / strange request / Mat / massive Rhod Gilbert fan / married / London." That's today / as he compromised on getting / know / in / share / married / the bride-to-be / married / well / just / with / I mean, what can you do? You've just got / wrong / can't go wrong / put up with / do about your partner / marrige / or your partner / actually / put up with / ignore them, the sexist pigs / Hi, Rhod / anyway, conglaturations / hope / advice / except / dig in / dig in / hold your own, L__ C__. / "Hi, Rhod. My partner / remove / gas fryer / subject / time / old / dining room / sound / already. / DIY / street / got / dodgy / yeah / they didn't do that / to the end / check / that nobody / imagine / back in the game / again / OK / no one was killed or anything? / no. Uh ... "My partner / time / from / good job / left / used / temporarily / stuffed with one of our bedroom pillows / two / before / finished the job properly by / up the hole / feature / in / DIY job you started and then just / lost interest / half / garden / can't be bothered to / the garden / ends / in the middle of the garden / steps / hand / even set foot / steps / halfway down / going / there's no point in leaving the house.

If you've enjoyed / Rhod Gilbert / bbc / 11.